Archive for October, 2009

Drunken old ladies and the things they’ll do for more booze.

October 9, 2009

I was at Spouts today, waiting in line for another coffee sample, when I heard a clicking noise coming from the sample counter. I looked over and saw an old lady (at least 70) pouring Irish Country Cream from a bottle which, until recently, had been sealed and for sale, into her sample.

I thought about what might have been going on in the mind of this raging-alcoholic grandmother. My conclusion is this: when you’re so used to opening bottles of alcohol without asking questions or checking pricetags, you’ve achieved one of two things: total insanity, or total enlightenment. If you finally understand that nothing in this world actually belongs to any person, you probably understand that sealed, for sale bottles of Irish Country Cream fall into the category of “things in this world”, and are thus free game for drunken senior citizens… This woman is either insane, in which case I regret not having alerted the nearby clerk to her utter disregard for laws, manners, and common courtesy, or it could be that she is a sage, in which case I am astounded by her great wisdom…

“Shine on you crazy [alcoholic granny]”
I want to know your thoughts on this highly-intiguing subject… Well, I’m intrigued… If you’re not, it’s probably because you never experienced the incredible wisdom of a member of both AARP, and weekly AA meetings.

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What’s the point?

October 9, 2009

Before you read anything I write, I must warn you that taking anything I say into full consideration might land you homeless within days… You’ve been warned…

What I’ve discovered over the course of my life is that, while life may be a grand and beautifully complicated thing, it’s a whole lot easier to deal with when it’s broken down into simple, manageable sections. Simplicity is key to sanity. People are constantly overthinking things.

Art, for example. This is a popular subject amongst my friends. Is modern art art at all? … NO!!! We’ve been suckered into spending thousands of dollars on a ridiculous pile of junk or a paint splattered on a floor because we think too dang much. If I look at a piece of modern art, I won’t tell you it symbolizes my inner struggle. I’ll tell you it symbolizes the pile of crap it is. But our society has accepted the idea that anything can be art, and that you just have to decide what each individual “work” means to you. There’s only one problem with this idea… IT’S B.S.

On to the subject of simplicity.

I’ve already gone over the overthinking aspect of complicated living. Now I’ll discuss mankind’s minimum capacity for thinking. There is no limit to how little a person can think. I spend a pretty good amount of my time thinking about nothing… or, more accurately, not thinking. As a result, I’m a happy person. People layer themselves in emotions. They create different personalities for every aspect of their lives (e.g. school, church, work, home). This only causes stress and drama. Drama adds to the complication. No. Drama is the embodiment of complication. It’s terrible. Complication destroys lives.

The most enjoyable points of life are those with no point. For example, arguing with people you don’t know over the internet. If you do it right, it’s hillarious. You can say something entirely neutral and just watch as the other people turn themselves inside-out trying everyway they know how, to convince you that you’re a %#@%&*$ moron and should kill yourself. While on the outside it’s a depressing picture, it really is quite ammusing to see that people will actually make death threats over who was the dumbest president.

Try it. Get on YouTube and make a neutral comment on a controversial video. It’s unbelievable some of the responses you might get.

All that being said, I feel obligated to tell you all to go check out ‘Pearls Before Swine’. It’s the greatest comic strip of all time, created by Stephan Pastis, who is the whole reason I decided to start a blog… Time will tell if it was a worthwile decision.